The Drinking Channel Line-Up

The Drinking Channel Line-Up


7:00 am
American Hangover (Talk)


9:00 am
The Pint is Right (Game)


10:00 am
America's Most Inebriated Home Videos (Reality)
Contains profanity


12:00 n
Liquid Lunch (Talk)

1:00 pm
Leaving Las Vegas II (Movie)
In this sequel, some acquaintances of Ben Sanderson (Nicolas Cage, seen in flashback) get together over quite a few drinks to decide if they can remember him.


3:00 pm
Celtic Woman Alcoholic (Reality)

4:00 pm
Access Budweiser (News)


5:00 pm
Pimp My Martini (Reality)
Avocado martinis


6:00 pm
Larry King Sloshed (Talk)


7:00 pm
Drinking with the Stars (Reality)
Special Guest: Dame Judi Dench



8:00 pm
Last Drunk Standing (Reality)


9:00 pm
The Scotch Whisperer (Reality)
The Scotch Whisperer visits Sean Connery's private distillery.


10:00 pm
Bouncer! (Drama)
Lou must use tact when evicting an inebriated 'little person'.


11:00 pm
Two Guys and a Case (Sitcom)
In a stupor, Jeff cooks Martin's butterfly collection.


11:30 pm
Still Drunk (Sitcom)
Driving home from The Ugly Mug, Uncle Phil runs over a sheep.


12:00 m
Inside the Bartender's Studio (Talk)


1:30
Last Call Across America (Reality)

I Will Order Ice Cream (A Short Play)

A desolate parking lot. Two beat-up American cars are parked next to a Laundromat.

TIDI comes out of the Laundromat holding a huge basket of clothes and heads toward the larger car. She’s overweight, wearing hip huggers and a loud print blouse. She drops the basket on the ground and shouts back toward the Laundromat.

TIDI

Whites done dryin’?

HUPE

(off-stage)

Not yet.

Tidi takes a cigarette from her purse and lights up.

TIDI
(shouting)

You ‘member that scrawny little amputee monkey we saw at the zoo? That sure was a pathetic specimen! Eloise, she always did have a thing for monkeys. Not that there was nothin’ bizarre about it. She just loved to see ‘em, swinging tree to tree. Watched those monkey shows on the cable almost every day. You foldin’ them undies yet?

HUPE
(off-stage)
Ain’t done yet. In the dryer.

TIDI

(shouting)

Jesus and the Lord above, that is the slowest dryer in the whole darn laundrymat. Why d’you always pick the slowest, Hupe?

Tidi takes a long drag on her cigarette.

TIDI
(shouting)
You were never no good at the laundry, that’s the Lord’s truth. How many times did you ruin Hupe Jr.’s track outfit? How many, Hupe?

HUPE

(off-stage)

I don’t know, Tidi.

TIDI

(shouting)

It was a blamed nuisance, and a cost! That boy has enough troubles in this world, what with his skew-eye and short thumb, and you go and make his shorts pink as the day is long! What kind of a dad is that, Hupe?

BURNY, a fat, bald Scot, runs up to Tidi with a large butcher knife and stabs her in the right thigh three times. Blood spurts out. Tidi screams pathetically. Burny runs off.

Tidi collapses and rolls into the gutter at the curb.

TIDI
(screaming)

Hupe! Hupe!

HUPE

(off-stage)
No, they ain’t done dryin’ yet, Tidi! Shut your trap!

TIDI
(screaming)

Help me, Hupe!

HUPE
(off-stage)
I’m doin’ what I can!

TIDI
Jesus, Lord almighty in that heaven. What did I ever do to fall in a gutter, bleeding like a headless chicken?

Another geyser of blood spurts out. The lights in the laundry flicker and slowly dim.

TIDI

I washed so many clothes in this laundrymat. Washed ‘em til they was bare of thread and dim of color. Lord, how many times did I watch them dryers spinning. Around and around. Then around some more. It’s like some stupid chimp, chasing his own tail. How much change . . . How much change . . .

(screaming)

Hupe!

HUPE

(off-stage)

These undies ain’t even clean, Tidi. What kinda shit-ass detergent did you buy this time?

TIDI

(weeping)

The undies ain’t even clean. Ain’t even clean.

[BLACKOUT]